Whew. What a contest. We got some JUST IN TIME entries (8 minutes before the deadline), we got some quality otaku, and everyone that entered tried their best. I might throw out some pity prizes for people who did their best, but their best wasn’t good enough. Hey, it’s the Japanese way. Winning isn’t everything. See what happens when you don’t try your best, and enter anyway? On to the results!

Anime Contest – Intensive Training (Tokkun)

Well, this one is nice since it required so little work on my end. Still, LianYL from Singapore absolutely made butt liquid out of the competition with his entry of 87.248 seconds. Awesome time. He is now the proud owner of a soon to be shipped NGE Perfect Collection Boxed Set and a copy of the Cowboy Bebop Movie DVD. Yessir. A quality prize for only a few days of brain melting bullet avoiding.

We have a pair of honorable mentions in there, though. They did damn good, so I will figure out a little something to send them. Nothing huge, mind you, but still something. First up, Arcenciel from Singapore did his best to dethrone Lian, but fell short with 68.368 seconds and Gumugum from the US managed 58.704 seconds. I’ll figure out what they’re getting and toss up info about it in the Rollup on Monday.

Manga Contest – Biggest Bookwork

This was my personal favorite contest. Really, I am a manga nerd and I was done proud by all of our entries. LianYL gave another solid entry, so he deserves a mention as a quality otakuman. Nice collection, but since he won the contest he wanted, HE GETS NOTHING! Instead our prize goes to the magnificent collection of Psyker from Switzerland. Now, with just the volumes I could count (there were some double rows, a number of novels and magazines, and such) Psyker did ikimashou proud by having a grand total of… wait for it…

772 MOTHERFUCKING VOLUMES

And that’s just what I could count. I saw at least two more full rows behind things that I didn’t bother counting. Psyker, enjoy ROBOT 6 and SumomomoMomomo vol. 1. You earned them, buddy.

Figure Contest – Pity Party

Well, the panel for this, yes it was all people you don’t know, had a tough time with some things. It was a mixed gender panel who weren’t so familiar with anime as many of us, still familiar though. I figured this would help garner better reactions to out plights as humans. So it was that the ruling came down, but not without a bit of controversy. Here, we’ll let you read it. Hit the jump for the journey of our friend Spike from Mexico, as well as runner up info, etc.

So here I was at this costume party with a lot of other anime freaks during Halloween, so you could imagine the view. Gokus over here, sailor moons over there, some star wars characters thrown in, and some video game characters also (mainly Links and Marios).

So the costume I chose was Spike from Cowboy Bebop, since that is my favorite series ever. I didn’t went to great lenghts to make my costume, a nice yellow shirt, a jacket, and a raincoat by my shoulder, also the characteristic cigarette.

I was around the bar since my friends were dancing, and obviously, what kind of spike would I be if I didnt get into my role and stand by the bar like a lonesome wolf. So there I was, having a drink… until she appeared, and incredibly hot woman in a classic japanese teacher outfit (I assume, short skirt, white blouse, eyeglasses). She took me by surprise as I was in awe because of her pinkish long hair. Suddenly my brain clicked. Mizuho from Onegai Teacher! one of my all time favorite female characters, the otaku in me almost died from a heart attack!.

So she came over to my place and sat right beside me and we started talking, at first I noticed something strange in this woman… her voice, her face… dont know something familiar or rare in her, I simple couldnt tell. I was totally into her and my inner otaku was about to burst into tears of joy, I didnt have the time to bother about those little pesky details that my subconcient was warning me about. After a few drinks we went inside the house to speak more comfortably (the music was very loud outside). We went into the kitchen, and out of nowhere we started kissing, its hard for me to admit it but she was a great kisser… that or the booze had by that time already blocked all my sensitivity. Suddenly i felt something hard against my leg… and thats when all the alcohol in my veins vaporated into thin air… my fears came true … my brain laughed at me… and my heart stopped… everything came into place, the voice, the face, the not so feminine hands…. need I say more? I got out of there as fast as I could, straight home vomiting on my way to my car…… —___—

After all my friends never knew a thing… I dont want them to know, I dont want anyone ever to know about this… but hey, a free anime figure for some more shame… I can handle that! :D

Now, you’re probably thinking the same thing our panel thought. “What? Man, no way.” Luckily for you guys, I am a knowledgable fellow, so I could fairly weigh the likelihood of this story. Mind you, had it come from anywhere else we’d be looking for better evidence, but there’s a little something I know about Mexico. It’s absolutely crawling with trannies. Seriously, ask anyone who got really drunk in Mexico. At least a few of them kissed a tranny. Will they tell you? Probably not. But, yes, ladymen are a dime a dozen in Latin America, and with that weighed in our panel decided that surely Spike needed a sexy data lady from space to wipe the pre-come of his legs.

OH WAIT! But then the ladies balked. Surely having a dick on your leg is injustice, but what about poor Ashley? Oh, poor, poor Ashley from our good ol’ United States. We have some of the worst nerds on the planet. The ladies on our panel felt she surely deserved something, and I tend to agree. But not without a proper shaming and awkward social situation. Here’s her story:

Around this time last year when I began receiving IMs from some guy on the Bumfuck Con forums. He asked if I was going to Bumfuck Con. I replied “Yes,” and apparently that was all it took to launch the Awkward Tour of ‘06-’07.

His first action was to ask me if I’d like to participate in an impromptu spanking “extravaganza”, so from this moment forward let us refer to him as “Spanks McWeeaboo”. It entailed McWee bending me over one knee and spanking me whilst his girlfriend looked on (which he assured me repeatedly that she agreed to willingly). Said girlfriend was a FYG in every sense of the term-an idiotic blob of a person as well as a raving lunatic, and not in the “I’m just CRAZY about boys fucking!” way, more in the “I have to take a pill cocktail of LITHIUM and ANTIPSYCHOTICS!” way.

Basically, I was invited to get gang-banged by some skinny ass white guy and his loony tub-o’-lard girlfriend. This was karma at work. Not a month before I had digitally crucified all FYG’s and now I was going to be raped by one. The circle of life is complete once again.

He proceeded to tell me what kind of undergarments/outfit I should wear so as to maximize the experience. He then went into detail on how he was going to go about it, and, of course, he assured me that he’d do everything to make it all as comfortable as possible. Yes, because having some 20-something year old guy tell a then 17 year old girl that he’s never met how he wants to spank her while his robust girlfriend watches on makes for a very relaxing experience.

It was cute that he tried to justify it all by saying it acted as a “release” for the spankee and that his intentions were purely selfless and psychological. Come on, asshole. Cut the self-righteous bullcrap and just admit you get your jollies off on fondling little girls.

Fastforward to Bumfuck Con. Spanks McWee inevitably finds me and proceeds to make my blood pressure rise to near fatal levels over the course of the next three days. He elbows his way into my group and laughs at inappropriate times during the conversation while we wait for our badges. He comes by my artists’ alley table to attempt to either start conversations in broken weeaboo Japanese, stare at me with a creepy, glazed expression on his face, or eavesdrop on my conversations and, again, laugh loudly and obnoxiously (which sounded like a cross between an asthmatic donkey braying and a pig snorting). At the formal dinner he comes and squats next to our table while everyone’s trying to eat and socialize. He also invites me to an offline meeting of another LA anime forum wherein the cre`me de la cre`me of the LA anime community (read: the biggest group of dumbasses ever assembled) were going to get shitfaced, and watch hentai.

Bumfuck Con ends, and peace reigns. McWee’s IM’s become, thankfully, infrequent and life carries on (save for when he felt the need to tell me about he and chunky’s sexcapades).

Come a few months later, there’s a meet up for a local club and I go to putz around with one of my good friends and my old club mentor. We drive to New Orleans and I learn that we’re going to pick up Spanks along the way because of his incredible bitching and moaning coupled with the fact that my mentor is one of those nice people and invited him along. He gets picked up, and I, being small of stature and size, am relegated to sitting in the middle of the back seat. Throughout the ride I am subjected to all manner of poking and prodding as well as an unwanted game of footsie.

We finally arrive to the meeting place where even more atrocities are set to unfold. At this point Spanks is desperately trying to get me alone, but I’ve successfully managed to cockblock him. But fate is a cruel, cruel mistress.

The sexy cosplayer whom I blogged about at length suddenly shows up and all hell breaks loose. My mentor had just told me about how my site makes the rounds at her club-the very same club that sexy guy is in. He greets everyone and gives me an uncomfortable smile when we’re introduced. At this same moment McWee has finally whittled down my friend’s defenses and she finally agrees to give him an opening just so that he’ll finally shut the hell up and leave her alone.

He asks to talk to me and I agree because I can literally feel heat radiating from my face from the burning shame I am currently feeling. He confides in me that he has Asperger’s Syndrome,big fucking surprise there,and asks me out. I decline.

The rest of the evening I try to avoid both McWee and the sexy guy. This goes fine until towards the end of the night when everyone is tired and hungry and wanting to get home, Spanks drags me off to buy a video game and holds everyone up for an additional 30 minutes.

We drop him off and everyone goes quiet. The other car passengers sheepishly say “Oh, he’s a nice guy…” because no one has the stones to say he’s a total dipshit. Needless to say, it is universally agreed that he should never be invited again.

After his rejection, Spanks starts IM’s me yet again. He tells me I need to find God and that I too may have Asperger’s. No, I think it’s just that I don’t want to date you.

So there you have it. I’m like Ma Teresa, Maya Angelou, and Joan of Arc all rolled up into one sexy little package of martyrdom. So I more than DESERVE Yuki.

Well, you don’t want to be a lady and experience that. So men, no bitching. Since we had a lot of argument over which would actually be worse (this is what I get for letting women on the panel… yeesh.), I’ll be sending Ashers something nice. I don’t feel so bad about it since she’s painfully poor and in Louisiana.

Also, JTFish wore makeup. Didn’t want that tidbit to go to waste.

And that concludes our ikimashou Contest. Thanks a fuckton to everyone who joined in, and I love all of you! Especially the ladies. Let’s get together sometime, ladies… and DO IT. Yeeaaah. I wish I could give everyone a prize, but that cheapens the whole thing. So, no. Keep an eye out for all the upcoming fun we have, all the great news, and more contests. Yessir! It’s going to be a good year for ikimashou. I promise it.